Following the recent announcement of changes to the Zodiac calendar, a denominational watchdog organization, Denomawatch, made a surprising announcement of its own today.
“We have long suspected that there was a misalignment of denominational identities, but weren’t certain until earlier this week,” said Dr. Cambio, Associate Director of Denomawatch.
The confusion is due to a miscalculation of Luther’s posting of the 95 thesis at Wittenburg in 1517.
“Everything was completely then misassigned in the sixteenth century and, consequently, into the English Reformation and beyond. We are only now beginning to see the first effects of this problem,” Cambio remarked. “It will likely be years before the full impact of this travesty will be known.”
The entire constellation of Protestant identity has been affected by this miscalculation, experts at Denomawatch reported.
“Mormons, for instance, are actually Assemblies of God, while Unitarians have been Southern Baptists all along.”
A number of religious leaders have reacted strongly to this week’s announcement. Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, when asked whether the worldwide Anglican Communion would surrender its property to the United Methodists who are now, according to new calculations, the rightful Anglicans.
“No. Definitely not,” he replied. “Those bastards left us a long time ago.”
Pope Benedict XVI would not comment directly on the matter citing that this was a “Protestant issue.” An official statement assured that, “His Holiness is aware of the recent developments concerning denominational reassignment and will hold a special mass later this week.”
Scholars are investigating the roots of the miscalculation.
According to Marcia Rivera, Professor of Reformation Studies at the University of Chicago, it is unclear whether the error was due initially to human error or to a deliberate sabotage.
“There is some evidence that an early chase (the forms in which block print were placed on early printing presses) was simply scrambled,” Rivera stated. “It could have been as innocent as someone stumbling with the chase on the way to the press.”
But at least one other historian suspects the error was deliberate.
“I believe the handwritten document used to set the type was incorrect,” said Dr. Hugh Zimmerman, Associate Curator of Special Collections at the Huntington Library in San Marino, California.
The document can be traced to a small monastery north of Wittenburg which was extremely hostile to the new reforms that swept through the area following Luther’s bold move.
It will take some time for the details to be clarified. In the meantime, Dr. Cambio advises, “We had better all get used to singing someone else’s hymns from now on.”
worthy of The Onion
I’d say this was predestined to happen… but wait… I’m now a Nazarene, so I guess that is out of the question.
PS – Is Jesus still a Nazarene?
That was too funny! I’m posting to my FB page too 🙂
I kinda suspected that about us Unitarians. I do believe my DNA is Baptist.
Too funny! That last line is priceless!
[…] assuming this development is true, it appears to have implications for other realms – including Christian denominations and… probably other religions […]
Brilliant! Very funny.
Mary Linda
This is hilarious! It reads like something out of the Onion.
Micah Bales
http://www.lambswar.com
Dr. J,
Would you mind if I added this to my facebook page? I have several friends who I believe will be very interested in reading this, if they aren’t already aware.
Tammy
Tammy, Please do. It was a lot of fun to write. I had to write it after reading about the Zodiac calendar change–“I wonder…what if, what if!”
So Quakers are actually Jewish?
Actually, it’s a little complicated. Early evidence suggests that “The Quakers” was actually the 17th century equivalent of what we might today call a “garage band.” They did play in a few pubs in north England, one in particular, the Foxy Penny, is believed to be the source of the myths of early “Quaker” leaders George Fox and William Penn. Because they appeared so seldom in public, followers of the band were nicknamed, “Seekers,” because of their efforts to discover the whereabouts of the group.
In short, the shocking revelation in this recent announcement of denominational reassignment is that the Quakers really weren’t a religious group at all. Now, what to do with all those meetinghouses!
So, you are saying that the Quakers are quiddich players?
Fun stuff.
David, this make perfect sense–now we know the real reason why Quakers didn’t have sacraments.
I know one or two who play in a Klezmer band.